


New Year, New Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher

by Rae_Saxon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, I wish I knew how to tag this, Other, Parody, it's just untaggable, you gotta experience it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:54:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29332638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rae_Saxon/pseuds/Rae_Saxon
Summary: Severus Snape has finally opened himself up to love again. Albus Dumbledore would prefer if this love, however, wasn't the Giant Squid.
Relationships: Giant Squid/Severus Snape
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7
Collections: Fanatical Fics’s New Year’s Competition 2021





	New Year, New Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Fanatical Fics New Year's Challenge 2021 - Because honestly, I'd never come up with this insanity on my own. Or would I?

Things were... tense between Professor Snape and his students.

Well.

More tense than usual.

Which was an accomplishment in itself, Dumbledore supposed with a heavy sigh, as he leaned back in his office chair, looking out onto the Hogwarts grounds through his window.

There he stood again, a dark shadow against the even darker surface of the sea in the distance. He probably shouldn't spy on him like this, but Severus wasn't exactly subtle.

Then again, conjuring a giant squid could hardly be conducted in a subtle manner.

Dumbledore watched warily as the giant creature arose from the depths of the sea, tentacles lovingly wrapping around Severus, as if it was debating pulling him into the sea with him. One day, it very well might, if their courtship continued like this, Albus pondered.

He still wasn't sure whether that would be a problem solved or an even bigger one created.

Instead, one of the tentacles followed the ritual he had watched occur several times by now.

It dropped a huge, still twitching fish to the ground in front of Severus' feet, stayed long enough to watch him pick it up and clutch to his chest, then disappeared back beneath the waves with a splash loud enough to reach Dumbledore's window.

Yes, he thought. Things had been rather odd this new term.

“You know, Severus,” he whispered to himself, because, quite frankly, he was the most intelligent person in this room. “When I said I'd support your endeavours to find new love... this was not quite what I had imagined.”

Dumbledore wondered if he'd even known, if it wasn't for the sudden lack of complaints he usually received about Severus' behaviour. No students, brought to tears, telling him that they'd gotten weeks of detention for yawning. No Neville Longbottom shaking and trembling before the lessons, no Harry smashing his office in uncontainable rage.

It'd be an almost welcome change, if it wasn't for the contract Lucius Malfoy had made him sign, with its cursed “tear-percentage per Non-Slytherin” clause. He'd hit the required percentage just fine with Professor Snape alone, but had made sure to always invest in a horrible Defence Against Dark Arts teacher, just to be sure.

Remus quitting had driven his percentage up like no other and made up for the entirety of the year the old fool had made the kids laugh at Severus' attempts to torture them with that Boggart lesson of his.

Now of course, he'd made Severus the Defence Against Dark Arts teacher, kind of putting his entire trust into _him_ – And maybe a little bit into the current war against Voldemort.

But this? This was new.

He wouldn't have understood. Would've believed in a miracle...

If it wasn't for the students who had tentatively sat down in front of him and complained about the intense stench of rotting fish in the dungeons, making their heads swim, while Severus basically sat on his desk, ignoring all of them with an intense smile of happiness on his face as he basked in the smell.

He would have to talk to him.

Well, now was as good as any time. With fresh determination, Albus got off his chair, put on his coat and walked out onto the quiet grounds of the castle. The darkness would've brought peaceful quiet with it, if it wasn't for the wet grass beneath his boots and the distant smell of fish in the air.

Snape didn't even notice him until he spoke.

“Severus.”

With a flinch, the professor turned around to face him.

“Oh. It's you.”

“You can't keep on doing this,” Dumbledore greeted him calmly.

Severus' content expression immediately turned into one of rage.

“You told me to get over my crush for Lily! _Severus_ , you said. _You can't keep on dreaming of the same girl you loved as a teenager_ , you said. _That was fifteen years ago_ , you said. _Find some new love!_ And so I did.”

“Well, I... I mean it was implied... at some point... that said new love would be human.”

Snape's dark eyes seemed to bore into his.

“I'm not judging _your_ love, am I?”

“That's hardly the point,” Dumbledore replied, blushing violently.

“I watched you cuddle that hat of yours, Dumbledore. I know there's something going on.”

“He's not _my_ hat!” Dumbledore hissed. “He's the founders' hat! And he's got a mind, a brilliant one at that. And a mouth to actually speak it. And...-”

“I don't judge your brother and his goat either, do I?”

“Goats are very close to...”

“I don't even judge that kid I watch sneak out every night to do it with a couple of brooms!”

“You... you... _what_?”

Severus pointed carelessly to the Quidditch broom shed not far from them and Dumbledore noticed that the door was cracked open.

He'd have to seriously investigate this one – Ah, but one disturbing love affair at a time.

“So why can't you just let me be happy?” Severus finished his speech with more emotion than he thought his Defence Against Dark Arts teacher had in him.

“It's a squid, Severus. It gives you fish every once in a while and then goes diving. I doubt it even knows your...-”

“It won't ever abandon me like Lily did!” Snape was shouting now.

“Well, no,” Dumbledore sighed, as he looked out at the sea. “I think that's a given, considering it is... rather bound to this sea.”

“Well, I love him. And I will not abandon him either.”

“Him?” Dumbledore asked, eyebrows raised.

“His name is...” And Severus conducted a complicated (and entirely random) sounding string of wave sounds, looking utterly ridiculous as he did so.

“Ah.”

The two men looked at each other for a moment, utter silence engulfing them, while Dumbledore tried to figure out whether or not he was being made fun of. There was no way to tell anymore.

“Well,” he finally sighed. “At least take the fish down. Students have complained about the smell because you hung them up in frames all over your classroom and...-”

“They're token of his affection for me!” Snape hissed. “I will do no such thing!”

“They're random fish given to you by an animal.”

“That's not true!” Severus replied. Another string of wave sounds was thrown around and Dumbledore was entirely sure that they sounded entirely different this time around, before Snape added, “... loves me!”

“If he gives you any more fish, you'll start to smell like one so much, he'll gulp you down along with them!” Dumbledore was shouting now.

“Good! Then I at least won't have to look at your face any longer!”

With a swish of his dark coat, he dramatically started walking back into the castle, leaving Dumbledore lightly stunned, staring out at the sea.

“Should I have told him that I actually speak Squid?” he muttered and then shrugged. “Probably best I don't.”

**~ Passage of Time ~**

“I'm really not sure about this, Dumbledore.”

“Don't be like this, Tom. You wanted the job for years! You've cursed the position yourself!”

“So I did,” the snake-like man replied from his throne of bones, the pale face looking troubled. “But I lifted the curse a while ago, when instead of teaching, I decided to become Dark Lord Of All and simply take over the school by force.”

“You did?” Dumbledore asked, stunned. “I had no idea. Had I known, I could've gone back to putting teachers in place I actually _liked_.”

Voldemort shrugged.

“Not sure that would've been such an improvement. Traumatised by centaurs...”

“Well, you'd know better than to enrage them,” Dumbledore pointed out.

“Living in a suitcase for a year...”

“You were the one responsible for that, after all.”  
  
“Complete loss of memory.”

“You'd know how to hold a wand before using an amnesia spell,” Dumbledore replied patiently.

“Okay, but eaten by a giant squid, Dumbledore? I mean, really?”

“What can I say!” The headmaster threw his hands up in the air, despairing. “He died doing what he loved! It's what he wanted! He was _happy_! I saw him smile the entire way up to the squid's mouth!”

Voldemort stared at him silently for a few seconds, letting an awkward pause settle between them before he spoke again.

“I think I'll have to politely decline the offer.”

“Ah well...” Dumbledore murmured with clear disappointment in his tone.  
  
It would've been such an elegant way to solve his problem, really - The war would've been over in a year and the Defence Against the Dark Arts position filled, all in one!

“I can offer you some of my most useless death eaters for the job, if you like?” Voldemort offered thoughtfully. “The Carrows are still available.”

“Thanks,” Dumbledore sighed. “But I believe I'd rather fling myself off a very high tower.”


End file.
